


Unusual Options

by mtapfan



Category: My Time At Portia (Video Game)
Genre: F/M, Lube, crackish, discussions of lube, food as lube, mention of builder/oaks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:56:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23478850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mtapfan/pseuds/mtapfan
Summary: Xu answers some questions Jane has after her enlightening conversation with Granny Sophie and Yeye.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	Unusual Options

"Hey Xu, you got a minute?"

Xu swore under his breath before quickly smiling in the bland, professional way his teacher had insisted he master. Every time Jane had started a conversation with that line since she'd moved to town, he'd desperately felt the need for a drink after. A large, _strong_ drink.

"Yes? What seems to be the problem?" he asked, hoping that for once she might have some sort of medical emergency. A splinter maybe, or a smashed thumb from her hammer? Maybe a nice cut from a saw, or some injury from venturing into the wasteland? Nothing serious, of course, because he was her friend and did genuinely like her. He just wished she would sometimes need him for something other than the truly bizarre questions she thought up.

But no, no she was fine. Bouncing up the steps from Central plaza with a large grin and swinging arms, full of energy like she was one of her llamas.

"No problem, just hoping you can clear something up for me," she said brightly as she stopped in front of him with a small final bounce. "I was talking to Sophie and Yeye earlier, and they gave me some advice that I thought I should run by you first, before I try it out myself."

Oh. Well. Ok. Maybe this wouldn't be like the other things she'd asked then. Maybe this would be--

"Can you really use yoghurt as lube for sexy time stuff?"

Exactly like every other time, apparently.

"What?" he asked after a pause to try and make sense of the question, because despite _not_ wanting to know the details, he felt he probably needed to. If only so he could make sure he had all the information now so he wouldn't accidentally give her half an answer that she'd end up causing trouble with later.

Though how and why food as lube had come up while talking to _Sophie_ and _Yeye_ could stay unknown forever as far as he was concerned.

"Can you use yoghurt as lube? Because both Sophie and Yeye swear you can, but I've heard a couple of times that you really shouldn’t put any dairy _down there_ , so I want to check before I try."

Ok. That was actually a fair question. He could understand why she was asking.

"No, you shouldn't use fresh dairy products _down there_ as you say, because it spoils very quickly and can introduce all sorts of harmful things to the, ah, environment. Which can cause uncomfortable to outright painful problems,” he agreed, nodding along. He debated with himself whether he should answer her question truthfully, because why in Peach’s name would she even need to use yoghurt? But… it couldn’t hurt for her to know, surely?

“But yoghurt has a fairly neutral pH, and can actually be beneficial in some cases by helping to bring things back into balance, so so long as you use fresh, unflavoured yoghurt then I don't see why you couldn't use it as lube, but--"

"Unflavoured? Oh, I want to ask about that too, because when I told Sophie that it’s Oaks I’m dating she said I should try mashing up some berries to mix in with the yoghurt before we use it, or maybe some honey. Which sounds great to me because you know how much like Papa bear Oaks is, right? Well he's inherited both his love of honey and his method of eating it and--"

"Nggghhugh," Xu got out, hands flying up like he could ward off the mental images she'd already managed to plant in his brain because he didn't need to know that. He had _not_ needed to know that.

"No! No honey. No honey, no fruits, no berries, whole or crushed. No cakes or sweets or _anything_ sugary should go inside any part of you other than your mouth please. Much like the fresh dairy it can have disastrous consequences if inserted. If you really feel the need to make things sweeter, then external use only please, for both parties."

"Understood," she chirped happily, giving a small two finger salute. He took his glasses off to rub at his eyes, thankful he’d been able to clear that up before she’d actually tried anything, so he wouldn’t have to book her in for an appointment. He was about to make his excuses to leave, since thinking of appointments, he was pretty sure Paulie would be waiting for him by now, when she piped up again. "What about coconut oil?"

He sighed, replacing his glasses and starting to rub his temple instead while trying to think how to phrase the rest of his answer while standing in the street above the school for Peach's sake. Short, blunt, and medical would probably be for the best.

"Coconut oil can be used but it may damage condoms because it's an oil and all oils damage the material they are made of. And since coconut oil is antibacterial and antifungal it can also upset the balance inside the vagina for a while, so I wouldn't recommend it long term for that but it'd be fine for anal."

"Ah, ok, that's fair,” she said, nodding thoughtfully. “What about egg whites? Or aloe vera goop? And Sophie and Yeye mentioned they'd both used a certain type of cooked yam before when they were desperate, but I get the feeling that might be kinda lumpy not matter how much you--"

"Jane, why were you interested in homemade lube?" he cut across, wanting to end the conversation before anyone got close enough to overhear any of it. Because it was one thing for her to talk about her own exploits with Oaks, but Xu had only ever known Sophie and Yeye as grandparents, and the things she was saying were just… no. They were just no. "What's wrong with what we supply at the clinic?" 

Jane blinked at him, her mouth moving without words.

"There's lube at the clinic?"

He fought the urge to scream and pull his hair out.

"Yes. We have lube available along with condoms so that everyone can stay safe while enjoying themselves. And I know the mystery man sells a few he's picked up from different places that have different affects, and Mars sells one brand he gets in from Atara..."

He trailed off as a thought occurred to him. And even though he dreaded the answer, his need to look after the health of the people of Portia prompted him to. 

"Jane. If you didn't know about the lube at the clinic, and you've only just heard about these food items… what have you been using until now?"

The way she shrunk down, shoulder hunching up and fingers coming together to start tangling together, and the sheepish look spreading over her face while she refused to meet his eyes anymore, had him _concerned_.

“The grannies already told me to stop using it so it doesn’t matter, right?”

“Jane.”

“But it hasn’t done anything bad to me so far, so it can’t be all that bad, right? I mean, Oaks uses all sorts of weird things that he’s picked up from living wild, so--”

“ _Jane_.”

She flinched slightly, then smiled up at him, fluttering her lashes and quirking her lips just so that reminded him yet again why he had originally fallen so hard for her, but no. No, he was her Doctor right now, and he needed to know.

“What were you using?”

“Well for the most part we didn’t need to, but then sometimes, only for _some_ stuff... we used Mr Ladybug mucus.”

He was going to cry. He was actually going to cry right here in the middle of the street.

“... You are going to come to the clinic first thing tomorrow and Phyllis and I are going to give you a full physical. And you are going to ask Oaks to come along as well. Ok?”

“Yes Xu. Sorry Xu.”

“No, don’t be sorry,” he said with a sigh, carefully reaching over to pat her on the shoulder. “It’s fine. Just… no more mucus, ok? Please? Use the lube from the clinic, or buy some from Mars or the mystery man.”

“I will, I promise. Thanks so much for being so brilliant.”

She stepped forward and threw her arms around him in a hug before he’d realised she was moving, and then pulled away again before he could try to return the gesture. She turned and took a step down the stairs, then spun back around, grabbing the railing when she wobbled. "Oh, just one last thing?"

He nodded with a tight smile, because after everything they’d just talked about, this couldn’t possibly be as bad.

"Sophie said something about shaving a piece of ginger and sticking it up your butt, but she wouldn't explain more than that, just told me to try it myself or go ask Isaac. But Isaac kind of scares me, and so did the way she and Yeye were laughing, so do you have any idea what she was on about?"


End file.
